his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
where are you?
Hypothermia
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
