Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
