I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
