God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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