I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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