My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
