in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize