So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
