She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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