Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
