if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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