Where are you?
In a non slutty way
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
