I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
