just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
