She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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