i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
