take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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