apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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