He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
