there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize