I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
They are going to name an STD after you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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