so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
