Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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