I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
