There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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