I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
