You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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