I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
