A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
