i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
