Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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