My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He felt like a one man threesome
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
