I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
