I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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