Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he shaved USA in his pubs
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
