I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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