btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
