Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
