Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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