i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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