cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
