there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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