I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
