Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
