She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
