it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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