mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
