She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
