i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
