i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
