What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
