I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
