what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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