You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
