Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
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