I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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