i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
